Faith

I never thought I’d say it out loud, but here it is: I’ve doubted God. Not in the casual, fleeting way of wondering if He’s listening, but in the deep, unsettling way of questioning if He’s even there. For a long time, I kept those thoughts locked up. I was ashamed. After all, aren’t Christians supposed to be certain, unwavering, strong in faith?

I remember kneeling by my bed one night, whispering words that felt like they were bouncing off the ceiling. My lips moved, but my heart felt numb.

I would lie awake at night rehearsing scenarios in my head, like a director planning every possible outcome of a movie that hadn’t even started filming. My prayers often sounded more like anxious bargaining than trust: “Lord, please let it work out this way. Please don’t let that happen. Please give me a sign.”

Grief doesn’t knock politely—it crashes into your life, flipping everything upside down. One day you’re planning tomorrow. The next, tomorrow looks unrecognizable.

There was a season when I replayed the same mistake over and over in my mind, like a movie stuck on repeat. No matter how many times I confessed it, no matter how many sermons I heard about grace, I couldn’t shake the guilt.

I used to think “real Christians” never doubted. I thought faith meant unshakable certainty—never asking questions, never wondering if God really heard me, never doubting His Word.

I remember sitting in church one Sunday, staring at the worship lyrics on the screen, but feeling nothing. Everyone around me seemed moved—hands lifted, eyes closed. But inside, I felt hollow.

It was 2:17 a.m. when I stared at the glowing numbers on my alarm clock, wishing I could fall asleep. My mind was racing—replaying conversations, imagining worst-case scenarios, worrying about things that hadn’t even happened yet.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve prayed with tears in my eyes, only to feel like the heavens were silent. One night stands out. I was on the floor beside my bed, clutching a pillow, whispering the same prayer I had prayed for months: “Lord, please… please answer me.”